Disparagement


 

As the tendrils of Anxiety curl around my heart and tie themselves tightly around the hollow cone that resembles my stomach I falter inwardly and kneel down in the encumbent swarm of feelings.  Rancid tactile fingers of doom enclose around my Hope and I swallow and digest the utter pain they inflict upon my dreams.

I have spent a few weeks now in preparation for my ultimate future working life.

Nothing has transpired. Unless you count mishap after mishap culminating in losing the very pass – literally the passport – that will get me out there! Tomorrow I should be leaving on my new adventure. Yet still I remain. On this eternal waiting game. Will it ever happen at this stage?

The Anxiety – hello, Darkness my old friend, – has been building – block by infiltrating block – for days exacerbated by a family trip away that left me feeling knocked apart again.

 

So much time to think – to ruminate on feelings. I have seen The Pattern now. A pattern long entrenched within our family. One in which I have a viable part but was never necessary to shape the whole. One in which I serve a purpose and must play my part. If I do not live up to or dare I say  if I actually abscond from my expected role….oh dear.

So I fall back into my allotted role while the Real Me screams at the seams to be heard.

I complete their pattern but it no longer fits or sits easily upon me. It irks and scratches and I wish to be released. I was released.

Perhaps I only returned to test the waters again – to see if my new crotchet was the one I prefer – to ascertain that my changed patterns are indeed the ones I need to keep creating.

My discomfort abides but my sense of detachment remains. My opted for silences in times I would before have spoken out, been strident, rallied forth against accepting the mould they forced me into and expected me to shape up to.

My silent suffering and wish to return to the Real Me.

And then the real me around my kids my real friends and real love.

And now the me that sits alone, thinks alone, thrives alone.

Who Which One goes forward from here?

 

 

Self Care …SElF….SElfish?


Practising Self Care has been my damn life saver

adult black pug

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Thank you Jo and Cee Jay for alerting me to its very possibility 4 years ago!

After all, if I dont practise it noone else will for me!

And boy do I practice now!

From…..walking for hours on a deserted beach, meandering along the Medina for miles, swimming in the still cold sea to….snuggling deep into my duvet and allowing myself a complete day to just ‘be’ not ‘do’, treating myself to the odd massage or new nails, ordering a naughty treat online  ..and ….. frequenting music, fun and friends between when my social rancour abides!

lighthouse on near body of water between rock formation

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So….I have learned lots too – that eating little and often is far better for my unique metabolism, especially avoiding late night binge fests on both food and alcohol after zero all day. That avoiding wheat esp in white TIGER and cheese bread – but oh the temptation – is ESSENTIAL to avoid morning bloating – belly like a b BALLOON – and stomach cramps.   That I NEED – no make that HAVE to HAVE my 5 a day or I am in an inordinate amount of pain for no conceiveable reason.

That walking, swimming or ANY form of exercise and fresh air out and about FEED my sleep pattern and its soooooo much better when I do this.  Gone are the 5am mental all nighters and the lethargic days that follow.  Gone are the persistent whirling thoughts in fact since I self imposed a complete STOP on that damn medication.

white pink and yellow blister packs

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Sure it got me through and boy those were some difficult times. But I am doing ok without and into my 9th week – and to actually FEEL again is a total eye opener!

Zombification begone!

Most of all – alone time is my salve and my step away from the vehicle of Life saviour!

Closing the cottage door, switching off the phone, shunning social media, indulging in some good drama box sets or simply writing, reading or doing NOTHING -that is right – NOTHING is a godsend. And I am at a stage in my Life where I am lucky enough to be able to do that now.

This may mean that funds are low but I also find that less work means having to live far more simply and this in itself is a revelation.  I almost feel sick at my spending habits of the past. The old me.

abstract alphabet arrangement away

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So thank you new me.

Thank you to all the new friends I have made here on this beautiful isle – to the fresh saline air, the clear starry skies, the winds and waves of the Solent – the rolling hills, endless beaches, and pretty harbours.

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Here I am.

Three years on.

Still surviving.

So Beautiful! ~ ~ And Literate For One Day!


IMG_69078120553863OH How I have longed to converse with you over the past year.

I know you know it all – those deep blue eyes hold so many untold secrets – as yet, concealed.

You watch us all intently but reveal nothing! While we?  We witter on unnecessarily , we banter, beg, cajole and smile. Pull ridiculous faces and sing daft or soothing songs to try to pacify or entertain. To let you know.

But you already know don’t you?

You dare already holding court and you have already combined the art of gaining what you need or want with a pout, a cry but moreover, a winning smile. And such a smile. And such beguiling eyes!

You know I feel for you a thousand heartbeats in one, and in each day that passes with you a million memories infiltrate my weary mind and bring me transient, wistful, longed for Hope.

Especially Now.

And our bond, your Future, those simple steps you took the very week his Soul left seemed to surge through all our Souls respectively. You are my legacy, his legacy, her legacy and you know that all of these wonderous joyous moments with you are like drops of healing salve, like messages from the Angels who sent you.

So anyway,gorgeous, now is your chance today to turn hard won babble into lucid tones – so let us all know how you feel about this crazy world so far that our equally crazy family have deposited you in ! 🙂

The years ahead shine brightly Princess ❤